Season 2, Episode 1: “Closeted Teenage Lesbian”
Singers: Who’s walking down the street on her beat? Who’s volunteering because she’s so sweet? Doris Anderson, she’s the lezzie lady that you all want to meet. She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she’s Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat.
Lisa: [00:00:26]
Hi everybody – this is Lisa Haas in for Doris Anderson and you’re listening to In Heat. A community service podcast for self-identified lesbians and anyone else out there who wants to support lesbian content. GBTQAI allies welcome.
Doris has been on an out-of-state pet rescue, which got extended to Hurricane Ian. In the meantime, I am filling in for her to support her upcoming episode dedicated to Late-in Life-Lesbians.
Doris has been hearing about the unique challenges and emotional struggles that a lot of Late-in-Life-Lesbians are experiencing on TikTok.
I’m an early in life lesbian – perhaps at an unfortunate time – the 1980’s – post the Sisters of Bilitis* but PRE Ellen DeGeneres’s coming out. If you can imagine, it was extremely awkward being an isolated, closeted teen lesbian in a homophobic household and community.
So Doris asked me to share a horrible real-life experience I had – hoping it would ease the pain Late in Life Lesbians are feeling about having missed out on queer culture early in life.
So here it goes.
[00:01:39]
When I was growing in KNEW I was gay – but I didn’t know ANY gay people. The only thing I knew about them were they were apparently all adults who did something so unspeakable my parents couldn’t actually say what it was. And even though they never said the word ‘gay’ they would talk in hushed tone about the people who were who were ‘that way.’
They also inferred that if there were a pair of people who were ‘that way’ – say, if it appeared to be two men – one of them would be more “feminine.” And if it appeared to be two women – one of them would be “mannish.” They also inferred that the people who were ‘that way” would weave these elaborate traps like spiders weave webs to catch children – not to MAKE A MEAL out of them, but to HAVE THEIR WAY with them.
My parents warned that it was sometimes hard to recognize when you were walking into one of these traps. An example scenario they illustrated was: One day you might find yourself in the parking lot of the Mile High Stadium during a Denver Bronco’s football game. And the people who were ‘that way’ would have their Winnebago parked there, to celebrate after the game. And if they saw you, they would coax you into their Winnebago and offer you a beer and chili and then before you knew it, YOU’D be THAT WAY.
[00:03:04] And, even if you didn’t get caught in a trap, you should never be in close proximity to them – because if you were even seen standing near them – other people would think you were THAT WAY even if there was NO way you were “THAT way.”
So the only people who I knew existed who were “that way” were evil monstrous people lurking in the shadows, and, me.
I didn’t understand how I could be the ONLY non-deviant gay person. But thankfully, during my freshman year in high school a transfer student named Anthony showed up. And because Anthony and I both played in the percussion section in the marching band, we became friends.
He was the first gay person I knew – because he was openly gay – and other boys would beat him up, a lot and slash the tires on his car. But that didn’t stop him from talking about all his night-time, night club adventures. And one place he spoke of often was this bar slash coffee house in downtown Denver call The Grove. And once a week, on Tuesdays, The Grove hosted a teen night.
I KNEW The Grove was where the “gays” were – just by the way Anthony talked about it. It sounded like a lot of teenagers from other high schools went there. But were there actual teenaged lesbians there? Were they from OTHER high schools??! No one at MY high school seemed to be a lesbian.
So one Tuesday evening the phone rang. It was Anthony. He said, “Hey Lisa! Do you wanna go out tonight? Do you wanna go have some FUN?! It’s teen night at The Grove!! I’ll pick you up and promise to have you home by 11:00 p.m.”
OH MY GOD! I couldn’t believe this was happening! WOULD I SEE ANY GIRLS THERE I KNEW???!!! I hoped not! Because I am sure they would they tell on me. This was my big chance to go to The Grove, semi-anonymously. I would have to play it cool – because I wasn’t accused of being a lesbian, I was just invited as a teen guest. But maybe I would meet another girl and we’d have lots of things in common – like they might be Star Trek fans – and we’d bond over that! And become best friends! And sit on the couch together and watch re-runs of Star Trek every day after school!
I told Anthony that I had to get permission from my parents – and he said he’d pick me up in 30 minutes.
I had to call my parents at the Bingo Hall. My parents – God love them – volunteered every Tuesday night for my school’s BINGO fundraiser to raise money for the school’s band.
But what would I tell them?? I started to panic – I could tell them I was going to Thirsty’s, a bar they knew about that had a teen-night once a week. But I didn’t want to lie to them, cause they would hear I was lying in my voice.
So I thought if I told the truth, I’d sound normal, and plus --- they had no idea that The Grove existed.
So I called the bingo hall and asked to speak to Gene or Josephine Haas. My mom got on the phone. I said, “Hi mom – Anthony wants to take me out tonight –and he’ll have me home by 11:00 p.m., is it ok if I go?
The Grove.
It’s a bar.
Like Thirsty’s. You know, that bar that that has teen night once a week? Well, The Grove has teen night. Ok. Yes, I’ll be home by 11:00 p.m. Ok! Thanks!!! Bye!”
My hand was shaking when I hung up the phone – I HAD TOTALLY SCORED! I was totally going to pull this off! Next, I had to hurry to fix my hair and put my best t-shirt on over my best button up blouse!!
And as I was running around getting ready, the phone rang. It was my mom. She said, “You’re not going anywhere. You stay right there until we get home. We want to have a talk with you.”
I was like, “Uh, ok. Is something wrong?”
She said, “We do not want you to go to The Grove.” And hung up.
Oh no! What happened? Something happened. How could they find out about The Grove?! I couldn’t imagine any of lethargic, chain smoking, bingo-addicted patrons had ever been to The Grove!
Just then Anthony pulled up in his car and I had to go outside to tell him I couldn’t go, and was embarrassed I couldn’t tell him why.
BUT WHAT WAS I GONING TELL MY PARENTS WHEN THEY GOT HOME?
[Instrumental theme music swells and fades]
[00:07:38]
And now, a word from our sponsor.
Uh, so actually In Heat doesn’t have a sponsor. But I do know that Doris has been trying to get a sponsor. And I just want to put it out there that there’s a place that I think might be a good match as a sponsor. It’s called Green Chef, and it’s one of those places that sends you all the ingredients and then you just cook it. So it’s all there. And so my girlfriend and I did a trial order of some of their meals. And we tried the Thai Red Curry with Chicken. I was really surprised. It was really delicious. And maybe perhaps more importantly than the actual meal itself, it’s a very nice couple’s activity. So if you’re busy and you’re in a relationship and are having a hard time for each other - making these little meals together are a super-nice couples activity. And, you don’t have to worry that someone forgot to buy something that they were suppose to buy, or somebody messes something up, because all the ingredients are there and they give you very clear step-by-step directions.
By the way, the Red Curry Thai Chicken is a Keto, gluten free meal. And I know there’s a lot of lesbians who are gluten free.
So anyway, Green Chef! I’m puttin’ it out there! You might consider sponsoring In Heat.
And now, back to our program.
[Instrumental theme music swells and fades]
[00:09:10] What was I going to tell my parents when they got home?!
When their car rolled up on the driveway, I hid in my bedroom. I could hear my parents come inside and my mom shouted, “Lisa. Come downstairs.”
I went downstairs – trying to act like nothing was wrong.
My mother was the bad cop. My father said nothing.
“Why did that Anthony want you to go to the Grove?”
Uuuum… It’s teen night.
“Do you know what the Grove is?”
Uh, yeah, uh, it’s a dance bar.
“Have you ever been there before?”
No.
“Then how do you know anything about it?”
Um, other kids from school go there. I LIED.
“Who are these other kids that go there?”
Uh, you know… kids…from school… go there on Tuesday nights…
“What other kids?! Who are these other kids? What are their names?!”
Um… I don’t think I know them, really, I think some kids from English.
“What have you heard about the Grove?”
Uh, nothing.
“Do you KNOW what The Grove is?”
[00:10:26]
I didn’t know if I could emotionally with stand this questioning and all I could think of was years ago, one 4th of July, my dad came home with a very special firecracker - The Big One – and even though it was illegal to shoot off fireworks, he was going to do it anyway. So my mom and sister and I got out folding chairs and sat on the driveway while my dad pulled a 6 foot long pipe out of the back of his truck and put on his hard-hat, gloves and welding goggles.
And then he unveiled it – the biggest fire cracker we had ever seen – in fact – it looked like a giant pop bottle rocket and my dad was trying to create a whole monster sized pop bottle rocket set up.
And he loaded the firecracker into the pipe and lite it with a small hand-held blow torch. And the wick burned up into the pipe making its way to the explosive materials that were gonna jettison this 3-pound monster into the air.
It was taking a really long time to go off… and thick black smoke started pouring out of the pipe.
But finally, the thing shot into the sky –and exploded – it was like – kabang – sparkle, zip shoot, sizzle, spark –
On the ground a huge cloud of smoke had engulfed our driveway – it was so exciting! But suddenly two shadowing figures emerged from cloud. It was out neighbors, Mr. Larson, a High School principle and Mrs. Larson, a librarian.
“What are you folks doing this evening?” asked Mr. Larson.
We were so busted. What could we say? Really, what could we say? My sister and mom and me had just finished a round of applause. And my dad was standing there in gloves, goggles, and a hard-hat, holding the pipe that was still billowing smoke out of both ends.
“Oh, we just came out to watch the fireworks,” my dad said in his most casual, nonchalant charming way.
“The weather is really beautiful,” said my mom.
And for the next 10 minutes, this lame little chitty-chatting went on and on about what a nice evening it was for a walk, and how lovely the sky looked, and what a hot summer it had been… and all the while nobody mentioning anything about the smoking pipe, which was finally petering out until all the smoke had cleared – making my dad’s get up look even more conspicuous.
And FINALLY, the Larsons said, “Have a good evening,” and strolled off.
When they were out of earshot, we all giggled. And my mom said, “I hope they don’t call the police.”
And now, here I was - my parents staring at me – while I was sitting in a smoke cloud of my own making – acting like nothing was wrong – with my mom in my face asking, “Do you KNOW what The Grove is?”
I guess. Not really.
“Well, we’ll tell you. It’s a queer bar. It’s where queers hang out.”
What?!” I declared pretending to be surprised. “Really? Gosh, that’s not what I heard about the Grove. I had know idea…
“Well – John, the police officer who patrols the Bingo Hall – we asked him about The Grove. He said it was a Queer bar and that we shouldn’t let our daughter go there.
What could I say to that?
“Why would you want to go someplace like The Grove?”
Uh, just to hang out, uh, it’s teen night, uh they will let you in and serve you a coke.
My dad finally spoke, “That Anthony is a no-good sneaky bastard wanting to take you to a queer bar.”
Then my mom said, “We don’t want you to EVER go to The Grove. Do you know what a Fag Hag is?”
No. I didn’t. I’d never heard that term before.
“A Fag Hag is someone who hangs out with Fags. And when you hang out with fags, people think you are a like Fag. Do you want anyone to think you are THAT WAY when you’re not?!?!?”
[00:14:24]
Well, that’s the end of the story. Uh, so I obviously did not come out to my parents for a very long time - well in fact my dad died before I even came out.
So, one thing I might say is to the Late-in-Life Lesbians, there’s somethings you didn’t miss out on - there’s somethings you definitely didn’t miss out on.
Well, thank you very much for listening. And before I go Doris has given me some information about the Pet of the Week.
[Instrumental theme music begins and plays under spoken words]
Alright, here’s what it says…
Are you a caretaker by nature? If you are, Squirty the Iguana might be the pet for you.
Iguanas have so many special needs it’s like having an intensive care patient as a pet!
The heat lamp! The feeding! The delicate tempature! The constant attention you need to pay to them so they don’t die!
Squirty was abandoned so there’s basically no information about his background. It’s estimated that he is about 15-years old, and appears to be healthy.
In addition to being a caretaker, if you also have a fear of abandonment, Iguanas make great pets -- they will never leave you because they can only go as far as the heat lamp radiates from your house.
Interested parties should get in touch with Doris Anderson at Doris, the @ sign, In, the dash sign, heat, dot com. That’s Doris@in-heat.com and she will get you set up for adoption with the Alphabet City Cat Rescue and Shelter.
That’s it for today’s show. If you are seeking support, please join The Self-Identified Lesbian Community Group on Facebook, or LIKE the In Heat FB page. Or you can check out the In Heat webpage where you can read a complimentary blog post the accompanies today’s show.
Links are in the show notes.
Thank you for listening!
[Instrumental theme music crescendos and vocalists sing]
Singers: She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat!
END
*Daughters of Bilitis